love isn’t always enough
Two things I know for true in my life are as follows:
I have no self control with desserts. Despite the efforts, I will always need something sweet after every single meal.
Love isn’t always enough.
You may think, “Wow, this really sets a lovely mood” and already be skeptical. But then again, I said these are two things in my life that are true, so it may not be in yours. Then again, are you already craving something sweet and questioning why that one person or job or experience didn’t go as planned? Maybe not, but I’m sure a couple of you are.
Now I do have context behind both of these statements with examples in my own life, one is easier to form a conclusion than the other.
You can easily go to my dentist and he will gladly tell you all the horrors my sweet tooth has caused. Don’t worry, he’s really nice and taught me why you actually should floss. Dentists may be onto something with the flossing thing. Now for the other one, that may take a little more than finding my dentist and asking him to break his medical oath, if dentists even have that. (Not to look down on dentists as a medical profession, but I don’t know many tv shows that revolve around the dentist life so, maybe I’ll do some research and report back).
“Love isn’t always enough.” This one may take a little more explaining so bear with me as we dive into my experience with getting very close, but not enough. Yeah… this will take a minute.
I first want to address the way I phrased this statement. “Love isn’t always enough”. Notice how I could have easily said “Love isn’t enough” and left it at that? You see, that would be a really sad essay and leave you probably worse off than you were. Not my intentions at all.
I highlight “always” because it actually can be enough at times. I mean, I know many families, friends, and even strangers who are able to build their lives solely from love. You may be one of those people too. I do honestly hope it is enough for you in all aspects, but then again, I am the author of this essay and I want to talk about why it also isn’t.
One early example I want to share of love being enough, is through my mom and dad. A couple years ago, my parents and I had a long talk about us. We talked about our dynamics in the past, things we wish we could take back, things we were proud of, and even in this case, things I didn’t fully know were true. After we talked about how I maybe could’ve been a little bit nicer at times to them, (but I mean being a teenage girl is quite hard and unfortunately for my parents, they were the closest targets), I asked my parents a question. This question had been in my head for quite some time. I didn’t know if it was just a dream I had, or it was an early memory I had of my parents. Either way, I figured, why not ask.
“Did you and dad ever separate?”, I waited a moment, “I have a random memory at the farm where I was crying and mom was taking me back to the house but dad, you went into grandparents house instead.” I just let it sit there, waiting for them to call me crazy and compliment my vivid imagination. But instead, after the long pause, I heard, “Yes”.
Now this was not the answer I expected, because this memory is so early. You see, I had already convinced myself it had to be fake. So I sat there, now, in complete disbelief. I was suddenly waiting for an explanation, while also trying to understand why this moment had stuck with me for my whole childhood. “Your dad and I early on didn’t know if we were working anymore, so we decided to live apart. He lived in the main house with grandparents, and I stayed in our house next door. We gave each other a year and said if it seemed too broken, then we would discuss next steps.”
Now, I don’t know how often you have asked your parents if they had ever separated based on a vivid memory you have from your childhood that you think is true but also could be a figment of your imagination, but this was my first time. So I had a lot to process.
My mom continued on as I sat, dumbfounded, “But, ultimately we realized we loved each other and wanted it to work. So even though it was hard, and I mean very hard, we put in the work and wouldn’t change a single thing for the love and family we created today. Sometimes love can be work, but if you are willing, it is also enough.”
The point of this story isn’t to brag to you about my memory, but to show that my parents taught me early on how love can be enough. They both wanted to make it work and then they both put in that work. I’m not saying as soon as they said they loved each other it was all sunshine and rainbows, I mean it was far from it. But it was enough to keep going and to now be able to see all of the work they did, turned into something beautiful. A loving family.
That moment I vividly recall was of two people in the smack middle of seeing, is love really enough? And for this instance, it was in fact more than enough because they chose it to be.
Now, you may be wondering, “So… love is enough? You seem to have not proven your point but instead done the opposite.”
I hear you, loud and clear. But, you need to remember, I said “love isn’t always enough”. For a statement like that, you need to share all sides; when it is, and also when it isn’t. So, let’s dive right into not enough, shall we?
Through this writing you may be able to tell, she is definitely a younger sibling. To that, I would say, you my friend are quite correct. I am the baby of the family with my brother being born exactly 18 months before me. So he had 18 months of peace and quiet before he would have a friend for life who sometimes doesn’t understand the concept of peace or quiet.
I will also take this time to publicly admit, yes, I am a very annoying little sister. But on behalf of all little sisters, we are annoying because we care.
Growing up, I saw my brother as my best friend, even if at times, he didn’t see me as his. Anything he did, I wanted to do. Anything he hated, I hated. To me, being 18 months older meant he knew everything. Looking back, I think he knew a lot, but not everything, not yet at least. Still, I looked up to him as though he did.
If you ever asked me, even today, how I feel about my brother, I would easily be able to say “I love him. He is the best brother ever”. Yes, he did make me cry by knocking over my princess castle, and yes, he would call me annoying to my face. But to me, that’s what being a sibling is. Loving despite and always having each other’s back at the end of the day. Just plain and simple love.
And that’s the thing. I can confidently say I love my brother and he could say the same of me. But, at the end of the day, no matter how much I love him, or my parents love him or anyone else could possibly love him, it wasn’t enough. He still passed away.
I lost my brother when I was 16 and he was 18. I remember it like it was yesterday but also like it was a lifetime ago, but that’s grief.
(I also want to say, I am a deep believer in grief being the feeling of love without a home. So even though he is gone, I still hold that love for him.)
This story, I know, is a little different than the last. It still has love, it still has me, and it still has fantastic writing. But what it doesn’t have, is that fully happy ending. Despite all the love for my brother, at the end of the day, it wasn’t enough. And that is okay.
There will be times in our lives where we love and want something so badly and dearly, but it just won’t happen. It could be something like you want your sibling to live a long healthy life or you want that dream job, or you want your partner to be the one forever, but just like I said before, it isn’t always enough.
I do wish love was always enough, because if it was, my brother would still be here, that I know. But just because love wasn’t enough in this instant, doesn’t mean it’s not enough in other instances. I think that is the thing people get wrong. I know I’m not a world renowned author or have the background of academics that would make anyone impressed. But I have experience and hope. Two things I think can get you further than any teachings can. (Except maybe in being my dentist, I am very glad he went to school to fix my teeth).
As I said, love isn’t always enough, but wouldn’t you rather act like it is? I know I would rather live a life of hope met with pain, than live a life without love.
Love isn’t always enough, but we should always act as if it is. You never know when it will be. So please, no matter how much life will hurt you, or make you feel as though nothing is ever enough, know you are enough. Keep going. Always choose love.
Four things I know for true in my life are as follows:
I have no self control with desserts. Despite the efforts, I will always need something sweet after every meal.
Dentists do in fact have a code of ethics (I checked).
Love isn’t always enough, but always act like it is.
My brother, Jamie, would be proud to know that despite everything, I am still full of love.
